[Canniseur: Some of the strangest munchie food I’ve ever heard of is described in this article. Exactly where Mr. Adams found these foods is open to conjecture. If the food he describes here sounds good, you’re in big trouble.]
Sometimes getting ripped up on marijuana can lead to some rather questionable decisions. Now, before some of the more overzealous readers use this statement as a cue to move directly to the comment section to start digitally chastising us about how cannabis doesn’t make a person do anything more questionable than booze or prescription pills, we should probably clarify that what you are about to read has nothing to do with any of that.
Not in the slightest.
This piece is strictly dedicated to those who suffer from one of the most vile afflictions that marijuana consumption has been known to rile up, none of which, however, involves addiction, stoned driving, or the inability to select the perfect pot stock. Nope. What we’re about to get into right here is more serious than all of that, and it is a topic that is rarely ever discussed among the countless venues that are supposedly dedicated to covering the cannabis culture.
Look, we’re just going to rip the Band-Aid off here: Some of you stoned sickos out there have been making some sleazy choices when it comes to the types of junk food you’ll eat when the munchies set in. Typically, we’re not ones to judge, but, in this case, we cannot hold back. You must be stopped!
While we can certainly appreciate the culinary creativity that most cannabis connoisseurs seem to be capable of unleashing in the kitchen after the late night munchies set in and transform those hunger pangs into a full-blown case of animalistic gluttony, we have recently been made aware of some less than appealing recipes – if you can even call them that — that has forced us to intervene.
Don’t get us wrong, we’re all for raiding the cabinets and assembling myriad ingredients that our old friend THC tells us will complement each other well once they hit our taste buds, but a line must be drawn when pseudo-succulence starts turning stomachs – namely ours. Although we must admit that we would eat just about anything when we’re stoned, we would not eat this.
Warning: This content may require a barf bag.
Bacon and Ramen Wrapped Hot Dog
We can certainly understand how this munchie monstrosity was brought to life. Ramen noodles and hot dogs are cheap, food standards that can be found in the kitchens of any residence containing humans 24 and under. And bacon, well America’s favorite variation of cured swine is supposed to make everything taste better, right? Gawd, let’s hope it works some kind of miracle on this sad dish, which, if we’re being honest, looks like a sign that the family dog needs to see a vet. We’re not saying this low-rent fusion doesn’t taste good, but we’re never going to get it close enough to our lips to find out. No, you see, there is technology out there that people with jobs have a tendency to use when they get hit by the munchies – it’s called Grubhub.
PS: We’re also hearing reports of people eating hot dogs with grape jelly. Man, don’t make us come over there!
This one isn’t even funny, gang. One of our main rules when it comes to assembling munchie fare is that it is never acceptable, not ever, to combine foods that kick ass (like pizza) with stuff that a single mom might feed a 5-year-old kid named Brice. Incidentally, this rule also applies to the ramen wrapped hot dog nightmare from above, unless, of course, you are working with cylindrical meats that are made with all beef! But come on, guys, piling a glob of SpaghettiOs on a pizza crust and topping it with the cheese of the week is not gastronomic genius – it’s the first step toward gut rot, and it could lead to someone blowing chunks. Our advice: if this food combination ever starts to sound appetizing at all, you should probably think about changing strains or taking a pregnancy test… like immediately.
Peanut Butter and Pickle Sandwich on White Bread
This particular munchie design offends us in almost every way imaginable. This one says: “Yes, I’m stoned, but I’m also too lazy to actually turn on the oven so that I can at least try to whip up something sensible to appease my ravenous ways.” It is one of those meals that can only be consumed while wearing sweat pants – you know, to show the world that you’ve completely given up on life and everything in it. But, listen, if a few slices of generic white bread, peanut butter and pickles is all you got in the house, we understand. Times can get hard. But how about just opting for a basic peanut butter sandwich, which is classic fare respected in nearly every societal class, and save the pickles for the day when you happen to have some hamburger in the fridge? After all, just because you’re high doesn’t mean you have to all of a sudden assume the palate of a raccoon.
Please, try and respect yourselves.
Frosted Flakes With Cheese
At no point could we ever get stoned enough to be persuaded to stick something as repugnant as this in our mouths. Not even if a giant flaming wad of space gunk came crashing down to Earth tomorrow — eliminating most of the food supplies — and the only sustenance left on the planet for us to eat was Frosted Flakes and Kraft singles, would we touch a bowl of this soggy ipecac with a 10-foot pole. It would take a special kind of munchies to get us to even stand in the same room with this crap! Come to think of it, if there is actually a massive object currently hurting through the universe on a crash course with Earth, we hope it is on a quest to snuff out those sickos who mau down on this slop. Of course, we’d never tell anyone that they should stop smoking marijuana, but if this is the kind of food it makes you crave, then maybe it’s time to pull back a little.
Popcorn and Ketchup
Look, there are only a few abnormalities in the world of food that could make us curl up in the fetal position in the corner of the room and pray for death, but putting ketchup on popcorn ranks pretty high on the list. In fact, topping popcorn with anything other than salt and butter should be considered a crime against humanity. We hear some of you even have the nerve to make tacos out of this garbage. Get that out of here, right now! Maybe this makes us a little conservative in our munchie morals, but we don’t care. Again, save the condiments for when you’re broke *ss can actually afford to pair them with foods that make sense. Summer is rapidly approaching, so, you know, all of that goopy stuff goes great on grilled burgers and hotdogs (sans ramen noodles, of course).
Doritos and Mt Dew
We’re not going to lie, you got our gag reflexes with this one. It seems that some people who get the munchies enjoy eating (or drinking) a soup-like concoction that involves mixing up crushed Doritos and Mt. Dew. Not only is this gross, but it is also a bit masochistic. Seriously, what level of highness does one have to achieve before soggy chips and sugary soda is the go-to choice for taming hunger? Do you people really hate yourselves that much? Our only solace here is that anyone who consumes this despicable mixture on the regular is probably going to be forced to quit soon when their doctors tell them they have bizarre, new form of diabetes that only happens in people who eat like imbeciles. That is if their stomachs do not give up on them first and conjure some wicked beast in the thick of the night that crawls out of the closest available orifice and ambushes them while they are sleeping. Good riddance, as far as we are concerned.